On Death (Part II)

The other reason why I've been thinking about death lately is because I was going through this junk drawer in my desk at school, thinking I ought to clean it out. I came across some old student questionnaires. One of them had been completed by a former student, Josh, who committed suicide a few months ago. His death affected me a lot as a teacher. It's kind of weird though, because I don't think a lot of people understand why it had such a big impact on me. They say, "You couldn't have known. Besides, what could you have done about it?" But the thing is, I could have done something. Anyone who knew him could have done something. We're talking about a life here. To say there's nothing I or anyone else could have done is to say to Josh, "Go ahead. Kill yourself." And that's just plain heartless. As a teacher, as a human being, I don't believe in that kind of mentality. I believe we have the power to change lives for the better. You, me, everyone in this world (more or less) has the ability to see with our eyes, hear with our ears, speak with our mouths, hug with our arms. We're human beings, after all. Not robots.

I did a search and found Josh's old myspace and his blogs on there. Some of them were hilarious because that's just the kind of person he was--at least the external side of him. Some of them were pensive; he was so smart. And some were revealing; they kind of answered the questions of why he chose suicide, why he saw no other way.

I'd like to share a section from one of Josh's most introspective blogs because there's a lot of truth and simple beauty in what he says. These words came from a person not long before he committed suicide, at a time when his life had only begun. I did make some spelling and grammar corrections--Sorry, but I just couldn't help it! (I was his English teacher for two years, so I figure I'm allowed to revise his writing a little.) All of the words and meanings are his though. I didn't alter any of that.

"everyone likes to be heard but no one likes to listen. but hey it's not all bad. there's one thing i've discovered that makes it all happy. one word that once you get the hang of life is a breeze. hope. it may sound silly. you may look at yourselves and say of course i've got hope! but do u really? because i'm talking about the kind of hope that goes deep and resonates with an innate sense of optimism, trust, and compassion. 

i realized something today. i am ultimately forgiving by nature. i forgive just about everything anyone does to me. it's just the way i am. i can't help it. i hate it because i know people take advantage of it and i know that when they do, they will be forgiven. i've noticed a lot of people take advantage of my trust, my optimism, even my compassion. but yknow what? it's okay. i forgive them. all of them. because i have a hope, a small sliver of hope. a sort of shining optimism that one day they'll move on and become better people. because in the end, it's not about punishment. it's not about what you've done in the past. it's about who you are in the present and where you're going. i don't know, i think i might be stealing this from someone and if i am, i sincerely apologize for not quoting you. 

but if i were to die right now as i write this and i had only one chance to give all of my friends, enemies, and fellow human beings a piece of advice, it would probably be, never let where you've been affect where you're going. i hope that makes sense. this goes beyond hakuna matata. because there are worries. there are hardships. the best we can do as people is to smile and do our best. so there it is. the secret to my happiness. the hope that one day everyone will be happy. that everyone will be relieved of their suffering. the hope that maybe, just maybe there's a little bit of humanity left in each and everyone of us."   
 -Josh

Cheers to LIFE...

(reposted from my old Myspace blog)