Making decisions guided by HOPE

On Dropping Knowledge, there was a question I came across pertaining to hope and fear. It got me thinking that we let fear guide our choices too much. Hope exists in almost all, or perhaps even all, of the big decisions we have to make. Does it not? The problem is that hope often comes with big risks and sacrifices, and it’s often overshadowed by the amount of fear we have that something wrong or bad is going to happen, or that people are going to look at us in an awful way.

So what do we do? We take the less risky choice; we don’t pursue the choice that involves hope. Fear tends to rule our life, and as a result, a lot of people are unhappy and dissatisfied with their jobs, relationships, etc.

But what if we CONSCIOUSLY made our decisions guided by hope rather than fear? What do you think the outcome would be?

Now, I’m not naïve enough to think that making choices based on hope will undoubtedly lead you to happiness. In fact, my theory is that it will cause a lot more problems...initially. But in the long run, will you be happier? I think so.

So I challenge you to make choices guided by HOPE. Let’s test this theory out. You know how we all have those nagging choices that linger in the back of our head? It could be that dream, that goal, that lifestyle change, or that person you’ve always admired from afar.

It could be anything, any decision you have to make, big or small. Let hope guide your choice and see what happens. Start small—that’s okay to do. Need to decide what to eat for lunch? Let hope steer you. Try it out for even just a day, if you want. I know it’s a gutsy thing to do, but just try it. I will do the same.

Raising Daughters

Anyone with experience in this area, please provide some advice on how to raise daughters! Truly, it is drama at our house everyday--no joking. This is mostly in regards to my oldest daughter, who is not even a teenager yet...which causes me to really fear the actual teenage years.

My daughter has had some big projects for school. A month ago, she had to pick a book and she chose Inkdeath, which is something like 500 pages long. She had to read it and do a big project/presentation on it for Language Arts. Well, it turned out she couldn't finish it on time, so every night the week before the due date, she stressed out about it, cried, and when we tried to help or give suggestions, she'd yell and give us attitude.

And this week...2 big school things that pretty much piled on the drama for us. Monday night, my daughter told us that she needed an Egyptian costume for Wednesday. Apparently, she had known about this for a couple weeks but it had slipped her mind. So she asked if we could take her to find a costume or make one. I wasn't happy about that, since it was already Monday evening when she told us, so I said "Not today." Tuesday, my husband and I both had work obligations to fulfill outside of the regular work hours, and neither of us got home until 7pm. Naturally, I suppose, this led to my daughter freaking out quite a bit. So despite my husband and I both having had a long 10+ hour workday, we still spent Tuesday night cutting up a bed sheet, wrapping it around her, trying to figure out what the hell Egyptians wore. Why couldn't it be "Greek Week" instead? That would have been so much easier. Finally, when we were almost done, my daughter decided it wasn't cool enough to wear, too embarrassing. She didn't have an alternate choice though, not when she needed it for the next day.

Then she also had to make a homemade 1-minute timer that we've been working on for a couple weeks with her. We built this thing that has cups on different levels and she pours water into the top cup and it drains through a hole into a 2nd and then 3rd cup. We measured water and timed it to drain for exactly 1-minute. Well, today, she comes home and says, "Some people did their 1-minute timers in class, and theirs are way better than mine. And so many people already did the same thing I did, so I don't want to do mine anymore!" So my husband figured she could do this other thing with an Alka-Seltzer tablet and water, set it to fizz for 1-minute before the top pops off. They went off to the store to buy supplies, came back, tried it, and couldn't get it to time perfectly. So then she got very upset, cried, etc. And this thing is due tomorrow. She's just going to have to go with her original water and cups idea.

I understand that for kids, there's a lot at stake when it comes to their reputation at school. And I totally get it that it sucks to be the "nerdy/dumb/ugly" one that sticks out like a sore thumb. But man, the drama that comes along with all of this!!! Is this normal? I'm thinking "yes" but at the same time, I'm thinking, "Was I like this too, when I was her age???" I don't remember being that way a whole lot. When I had projects like these, my parents didn't help (they couldn't--as refugees who had no formal education in their old country, my parents didn't know about school stuff). I did these things entirely on my own, and that was it. The end. No big drama playing out everyday.

But maybe it's because circumstances have changed? Because unlike my parents, I do know about school, I do know how to help my kids with homework, I do have the money to buy things for projects. And maybe my kids are spoiled? I'm not quite sure what's going on.

I'm just thinking ahead to my daughter's teenage years, and I'm already sighing in anticipation. I'm not even allowing myself to think yet about the fact that I have TWO OTHER GIRLS who have yet to go through THEIR drama-filled years! Girls are less naughty when they're little but when they get older...**sigh**

Are boys like this too?

Learning to Spoil Myself

This past summer, I finally learned that it's okay to do things for myself--to treat myself to things simply because I WANT to. Those of you who know me know that I'm extremely frugal with money.

Growing up, I never had money. I remember being a little kid and waking up at 5am to pick cucumbers so I'd have money to pay for school supplies and new clothes. After a long day of working in the scorching sun, I'd earn $20 and I'd think I was rich. I'd go home and dream all night of picking cucumbers and feeling the leaves scratching my arms, the thorny cucumbers pricking my fingers. It was such hard work that it'd haunt me in my dreams.

So now, as an adult, money is very valuable to me and it makes me uncomfortable to squander it away. If anything I want to get for myself is merely a "want," I've always said, "Forget it. I don't NEED it, so I won't get it." Before I spend money, I'm always thinking, "Instead of buying this, I could be paying this bill or that bill. I could be buying the kids this or that instead. I could be saving this money for something important." That's how I've always talked myself out of spending money on what I want. The kids were an exception to my "no squandering" rule because I wanted to give them all the things I never had as a kid.

So finally this past summer, I came to realize that I'm no longer poor, but I still have the "living poor" mentality. Another thing I realized was that I've been holding back on all these things I want, and yet, other people aren't. My husband, for example, can go out and spend hundreds of dollars at one time on something for himself. My kids aren't holding back either. The $20 that made me feel like a millionaire as a kid are like cents to them.

So as a result of my revelations, one thing I'm having done soon is Lasik eye surgery. I picked the doctor with the best technology for the surgery and really great experience. Yes, he's almost $2000 more expensive than others, but I do deserve the best. And Lasik is what I've been wanting to do for nearly 10 years now, and I'm finally doing it regardless of cost!!!

It feels good just to be taking care of myself the way I've always wanted to. I'm glad I'm finally doing these things. And the best part? I don't really have any guilt about spending the money. I've worked hard and pushed myself for years to get to where I'm at today. It wasn't easy being married and having kids young. So I'm very worthy of spoiling myself once in awhile.

Next up? Traveling. It ranks as one of my top five things I want to do before I die. I have to start making a list of places I really want to experience. Any suggestions for me?

(reposted from my old myspace blog)

On Death (Part II)

The other reason why I've been thinking about death lately is because I was going through this junk drawer in my desk at school, thinking I ought to clean it out. I came across some old student questionnaires. One of them had been completed by a former student, Josh, who committed suicide a few months ago. His death affected me a lot as a teacher. It's kind of weird though, because I don't think a lot of people understand why it had such a big impact on me. They say, "You couldn't have known. Besides, what could you have done about it?" But the thing is, I could have done something. Anyone who knew him could have done something. We're talking about a life here. To say there's nothing I or anyone else could have done is to say to Josh, "Go ahead. Kill yourself." And that's just plain heartless. As a teacher, as a human being, I don't believe in that kind of mentality. I believe we have the power to change lives for the better. You, me, everyone in this world (more or less) has the ability to see with our eyes, hear with our ears, speak with our mouths, hug with our arms. We're human beings, after all. Not robots.

I did a search and found Josh's old myspace and his blogs on there. Some of them were hilarious because that's just the kind of person he was--at least the external side of him. Some of them were pensive; he was so smart. And some were revealing; they kind of answered the questions of why he chose suicide, why he saw no other way.

I'd like to share a section from one of Josh's most introspective blogs because there's a lot of truth and simple beauty in what he says. These words came from a person not long before he committed suicide, at a time when his life had only begun. I did make some spelling and grammar corrections--Sorry, but I just couldn't help it! (I was his English teacher for two years, so I figure I'm allowed to revise his writing a little.) All of the words and meanings are his though. I didn't alter any of that.

"everyone likes to be heard but no one likes to listen. but hey it's not all bad. there's one thing i've discovered that makes it all happy. one word that once you get the hang of life is a breeze. hope. it may sound silly. you may look at yourselves and say of course i've got hope! but do u really? because i'm talking about the kind of hope that goes deep and resonates with an innate sense of optimism, trust, and compassion. 

i realized something today. i am ultimately forgiving by nature. i forgive just about everything anyone does to me. it's just the way i am. i can't help it. i hate it because i know people take advantage of it and i know that when they do, they will be forgiven. i've noticed a lot of people take advantage of my trust, my optimism, even my compassion. but yknow what? it's okay. i forgive them. all of them. because i have a hope, a small sliver of hope. a sort of shining optimism that one day they'll move on and become better people. because in the end, it's not about punishment. it's not about what you've done in the past. it's about who you are in the present and where you're going. i don't know, i think i might be stealing this from someone and if i am, i sincerely apologize for not quoting you. 

but if i were to die right now as i write this and i had only one chance to give all of my friends, enemies, and fellow human beings a piece of advice, it would probably be, never let where you've been affect where you're going. i hope that makes sense. this goes beyond hakuna matata. because there are worries. there are hardships. the best we can do as people is to smile and do our best. so there it is. the secret to my happiness. the hope that one day everyone will be happy. that everyone will be relieved of their suffering. the hope that maybe, just maybe there's a little bit of humanity left in each and everyone of us."   
 -Josh

Cheers to LIFE...

(reposted from my old Myspace blog)

On Death (Part I)

Lately, what's been on my mind is death. It's strange the way death affects a person. You can be going on with life after the death of someone you know and everything is fine. It can be months, even years after, and just when you think you're getting over it, it hits you at the strangest moments. Like when you're getting lunch. Like when you're walking to your car. I don't think the grieving process ever really ends.

My oldest daughter used to count plates when we would set the table after her grandpa's death. One, two, three, four. There used to be five plates, now there's only four. Grandpa's gone. It's times like those that are hard. Times like those when everybody thinks you're fine, even you think you're fine, but really, you're not.

I guess the reason why death has been on my mind is because my husband decided to turn all our home videos into DVDs. So we spent a weekend watching and burning old home movies, which was actually kind of fun, because we haven't seen those old movies in such a long time.

So I guess memory has a way of slowly dissipating. So slowly that you don't even notice until you watch those home movies, and suddenly, it's like a torrent of memories just teeming to get out. Most of the movies were of us back in our former town where we used to live, when my father-in-law was still healthy. I watch him interact with my daughter in those movies. The two of them dancing to Hmong music, taking walks, feeding ducks, playing in our backyard. He was such a good person.

A couple weeks ago, I was really sleepless. The house was dark and quiet, and I just kept lying in bed, thinking but not really thinking. I must have fallen asleep, but all I remember is that my eyes were still open and I was looking towards the foot of my bed. And then all of a sudden, a figure appeared at my door and I immediately recognized it as my father-in-law. He looked normal, like how he was before he got really sick, but somehow I knew he still had cancer. He walked from the door straight to my husband's side of the bed. He knelt down and hugged him. And he stayed that way for a very long time. At first, I was scared—it seemed so real. I thought, is this really happening? And then my mind told me, no, it's a dream. Open your eyes. And I did. And I saw that my room was exactly the way it looked in the dream. It spooked me out at first, but now I think I'm comforted. I'm taking it as a sign that he's still watching over us, like how he did when he was alive.

Cheers to my father-in-law (dearly missed)...

(reposted from my old myspace blog)

Life, Love, and People

I'm a pretty pessimistic person sometimes..just to warn you. But read on, if you choose to.

I've realized that when it comes to living life, there is no such thing as luck or fate or chance or whatever you may choose to call it. There is only willpower. Far too many people depend on luck, as if they are merely a leaf blowing aimlessly through life. There's too much laziness, people who don't do anything for themselves; instead they wait for things to happen to them. And when bad things happen, the blame is always externally placed. Yes, there may be reasons why things happen; yes, maybe the higher powers that be work in mysterious ways; and yes, there are things beyond our control. But you know what? Ultimately, you're responsible for your own life, and you just have to accept that responsibility and do things to make life better for yourself. No one, but yourself, is going to be there to do it for you all the time. 

Also, there is no such thing as love. Wait—let me rephrase that. There is no such thing as being IN love. I'm talking about the kind of romantic love that everybody in the whole world seems to be searching endlessly for. I'm talking about the kind of love that people mean when they use phrases like "soul mates" or "meant for each other." That kind of love is just a concept, a notion that's ideal but not realistic. It makes for great movies and books, but not for real life. If you waste time looking for your "soul mate," you're going to find yourself very disappointed and miserable, because it doesn't exist, not permanently. The truth about love is that there's nothing magical about it. You find someone you're compatible with, someone who loves you and treats you right, and you mutually strive to make it work. You develop a habit for each other, you establish a routine, and you work hard at learning and growing together through discrepancies. That's it. The whole "weak in the knees" or "butterflies in your stomach" feeling won't always be there. In fact, it'll rarely be there. But that doesn't mean your relationship sucks. So stop looking for your knight in shining armor or the girl who will make all your dreams come true. It's not going to happen, and anyone who says they're living it is only pretending….which leads me to my next point.

It's hard to come across people who are genuine; most are just fakey. I think that adults in general are among the most phoney. Why? Because of pressures that exist in the world of grown ups. Adults know what is needed to succeed in the world and they'll fake what is necessary to get a step up in life, whether socially or professionally. This is why I'm glad I spend most of my time working with people who are not quite adults yet. Kids, even most teenagers, are still to some degree genuine in a very simple, naïve sort of way. There's something refreshing about it that just differs from the complexities of adult politics. I can only deal with fakiness so much of the time.

And lastly, a lot of people are too busy being assertive to really look at the multiple sides of any issue. Or the multiple sides to any person. It's like they have to form an opinion right on the spot or their credibility as a smart, strong person will crumble. For me, this is the sole reason why there are so many problems between people. Too many people talk and don't listen. Even when they do listen, their listening goes only as far as paying attention to look for holes in the other person's words or to find info that will justify their judgments. How many people actually listen without voicing their opinions right away? Very few. I mean, think about it. How many times have you tried talking to someone and just felt like you're not really understood or that the other person isn't even really listening, because even before you're done talking, they're already spouting out their own babble? The other question I wonder about is why people are so quick to make convictions anyway? And why constantly prove themselves right? Is there nothing more to who we are as people? Is that the level of our self-esteem? Nothing is ever just right or wrong, people! If it were, life would be so much simpler. But it's not.

Guess that's all that comes to mind at the moment. See, I told you—pretty pessimistic, pretty dismal. Don't say I didn't warn you!

(reposted from my old myspace blog)